• Home

Street Beat

Posted on November 28, 2007
Filed Under The Stories |

She was walking down the street thinking [I can’t believe what I’m hearing!]. It wasn’t just her, there were several other people sharing the same pavement space who didn’t look too thrilled about the foul language polluting their air because of the two men walking past them.

“If I had a buck for every bitch I fucked, yeah I’d still be pretty poor.”

“If I had a dime for every nice girl I climbed, I’d still be on skid row.”

“Let’s face it a dollar ain’t worth much right now. And I ain’t nailing twenty thousand bitches so that I can still be below the poverty line! So that damn comment needs to be eighty-sixed. It annoys the fuck out of me when anyone says that.”

“Amen my brother.”

Gaius and his cousin Charlie kept walking, right past the uptight white folk who still spoke in flowery tongues because it made them feel civilized, took the stairs down to the subway station and kept at their discussion. Charlie asked, “So what you think? How much money to fuck a bitch and make it worthwhile?” Gaius shrugged, “I don’t know. She fine? Or a sad sack bitch with her titties hanging all down to her elbows and shit.” Two older women, shuffled away as fast as their arthritic legs would carry them. They didn’t even bother to wait to find out what sex with one of the much younger men might have cost them. Charlie pondered Gaius’s question for a moment and then he said, “Say she fine, how much?”

“I don’t know…a hundred dollars?”

“And what if she butt ugly?”

“A million? And! I don’t guarantee I won’t bring up my breakfast as I watch my thing do its thing if you know what I’m saying.” They laughed in unison and did a soul brother shake as their train pulled up.

They pushed their way in and took up position in the middle of the car. As the doors closed and the train sped off towards its destination Gaius nudged Charlie and said, “If you could have your pick of the finest pussy down the ages, who would you fuck?” Charlie hung off one of the straps provided for those that needed help keeping their balance and stuck his ass out so he looked like a boozy jazz player waiting his turn to solo. He thought about the question for a moment and then he said, “Know who I wouldn’t tap? Halle Berry. Sister’s overrated by like a mile. Pussy Oscar, shitty Catwoman movie. Fuck that shit man, I need me a girl with some attitude.”

“I asked who. Not, not who. Stay with the plan man.”

Charlie liked to talk to himself when he thought, sort of an oral aid to his cogitation, “Who would I fuck? Of all the ladies in the world. Who would I fuck? Who would I fuck?” He wasn’t coming up with anything to so he turned to his friend, “What about you? Who would you fuck?”

Gaius shook his head, “Naw man. It’s my question. Answer it.”

“Okay y’know what? Marilyn Monroe.”

Gaius wrinkled his nose, “Really? A white chick?”

Charlie got really earnest, “Think about it man. Her white bread girl and my dark meat, that’s an open sandwich right there that would fuck people’s shit up! Imagine her all drunk and shit in her shiny ass dress…Happy Birthday Char-leeeeeeeee…” he rubbed his palms together, “Yeah I could go for that.”

They grinned happily at their imagined destruction of the social order. Until a stuffy man in a Wall Street suit tapped Gaius on his shoulder and cleared his throat like someone who had left home without his Vicks that morning. Gaius eyeballed his gentleman caller and rumbled, “Can I help you?”

“I have to insist that there is no call for that type of talk in a public forum like this one.”

Gaius looked at Charle, “What the fuck he say to me?”

Charlie shrugged so Gaius whirled on his suited adversary, “What the fuck you say to me?”

“I said you should not swear in public.”

Gaius turned around and his jacket fell open and the man’s eyes settled on the butt of the gun Gaius wore on a holster under his left arm. The man was already backing away but Gaius felt it was his duty to say, “Man speaking ain’t like fuckin’ smokin’ alright? I can do it wherever I want it. Now fuck off before I fuck you up.”

Right about then the train pulled into a station and Charlie tugged on Gaius’s jacket, “Yo, let’s go. It’s our stop.”

Gaius lumbered off the train and then whirled around at the last minute. He had the immense satisfaction of watching the man from Wall Street duck like a little girl trying not to get hit in the face with a Frisbee. Gaius smiled and nodded as the doors clanged shut inches from his nose, “Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.” As the Wall Street man was carried away by the train Gaius waved a little wave and waited until the train had disappeared through the tunnel before following Charlie up the stairs to street level.

They pushed their way through the front door to police headquarters and took the elevator to the eighteenth floor. They nodded at a couple of the secretaries and unleashed their inner horndog for one of the new interns who didn’t seem to realise that she wasn’t safe to dress the way she pleased just because she worked in a police station. Then they pushed their way into the Captain’s office and Charlie said, “Yo Captain you gotta get us back in a car man. We’re going to get ourselves or someone else killed one of these days.”

Captain Wallace didn’t see fit to respond immediately so Gaius picked up Charlie’s slack, “We ain’t used to being civilians man. Apparently we cannot talk in a subway car the way we talk in a squad car. Can you believe that shit? You gotta put us back on the road man.”

Captain Wallace put his mug of steaming hot coffee down carefully, he even used a coaster, and then he gave them his best Samuel L. Jackson stare before saying, “You morons trashed an entire city block while conducting a high speed pursuit within city limits. We’re lucky that the only damage done was to property. That the city can live with. But you bozos aren’t getting back in a car until I see some genuine remorse. You will take the subway until I decide what I want to do with your sorry asses. And if, for any reason, this department should receive a single complaint about the two of you while you’re on your way to work, or from it, I will take your badges so fast you will think a hurricane blew in and took your pants. Then I’ll throw you in jail with the dumbass criminals stupid enough to get caught by the two of you. Then I’ll light me a cigar and visit your folks to pay my respects. Now,” he undid the only button on his jacket and took a seat in his finely upholstered chair, “do you need me to repeat any of that for either of you?”

Neither Gaius or Charlie knew they could move that fast as they rushed out of the Captain’s office and slid into position behind their desks. Captain Wallace smiled to himself and sipped his coffee, which had attained a temperature he liked just fine. Captain Wallace was certain it was going to be a lovely day.

Comments