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Woman In A Compromising Position

Posted on October 26, 2007
Filed Under The Stories |

He walked in the door and nearly fell back out. He definitely did take several penguin steps backwards in surprise at what he saw from just inside the door. His brain screamed [If that’s what they’ve got on show just through the front door what kind of crazy orgiastic mania awaits through the VIP room?] He peeked from beyond the edge of the door to confirm that his eyes hadn’t played a wishful thinking-fueled trick on him. No, he had seen right. There was a totally naked woman reclining on a buffet table slap bang in the middle of the room. That was not all, she seemed to be doubling as some sort of snack tray.

The desire to take a closer look propelled him into the room like a very small animal taking its first steps on only its hind legs with the added assistance of a very big fan blowing it forward. She seemed casually comfortable in the knowledge that her belly and cleavage were laden with salad-y treats that people could pop into their mouths. He was not usually such a brazen man but then he wasn’t usually in the presence of a fully naked woman who looked completely at home with a clutch of grapes giving the casual observer the sense that she was sporting a dense, clumpy purple ‘bush.’ Just as he attempted to wander past looking as casually cool as a cucumber that skipped out on being diced for some delicate sandwich she met his eyes; and smiled.

A naked woman acknowledging his presence and smiling, it was enough to blow not just his mind but that of his friends and family as well. They were in a room with ceilings so high he was certain the cleaners needed to file flight plans before going up. He was in a tuxedo, she was in…appetizers. It was definitely not the kind of evening he had imagined it would be. With a nod he went around to her right hand side and looked at her as frankly as he had ever looked at a woman, “You must be awfully cold.”

“Oh it’s not so bad. You get used to it.”

“I don’t think I ever would. So, what’s going on here?”

“You’re a guest right? You should know what the gala’s for. Wait,” She sort of leaned towards him and whispered sotto voce, “You’re not crashing are you?”

“No I meant with you. What’s going on there?”

She looked down at her own nudity and he noticed that she was shaved, really close, like bald as a baby seal shaved and after the initial flickery tick he forced his eyes to lock back into hers, “This? It’s nothing really. Just part of the décor.”

“I’d never be able to get anything done around the house if this is what passed for décor in my house I can tell ya!”

She smiled, “it’s sweet of you to actually talk to me. Everybody else just seems interested in the food.”

He pushed his glasses back up his nose, something he did a lot when he wasn’t sure of what he was about to say next, “Don’t take this the wrong way but have many people…been inappropriate?”

Her expression was as wry as the best stand-up comedian’s, “Let’s see, just before you got here, twenty-three people mistook one of my nipples for a raisin and I don’t even want to get into what some of the others went for.”

There was actually a whole mess of food around her on the table as well. Stuff that wasn’t in any way touching her skin or her (conventionally at least) private lady parts and after several moments hesitation he plucked a cherry and skinned it with his teeth. With the little ball of red doing a slippery dance in his mouth he said, “So aren’t you several lawsuits waiting to happen?”

“Oh no. I signed a release form. Anything short of actual penetration and it’s just an ‘accident’. The organizers are covered, the guests are covered. It’s all good.”

“Exactly what kind of hold does the person blackmailing you into doing this have over you?”

“Believe it or not, I volunteered.”

“Why?”

“How many girls get to say they were part of the ornamentation on a buffet table?”

“How many women want to be able to say that?”

She shrugged and a couple of the grapes waggled in an incredibly inviting manner, “Don’t care if I’m the only one. Being this way reminds me that there is great truth in the phrase ‘this too shall pass,’ which is important knowledge to hold when you’re trying to make sense of life.”

He looked at her with an expression of extreme bemusement, “Without a doubt, you are the most interesting naked woman I’ve ever met.”

She smiled, “So go on. Mingle. We can catch up later. You know where to find me.”

He nodded and was about to step away when something occurred to him and he asked, “What is the worst thing someone has said to you so far tonight? Something that came close to voiding the release?”

She indicated with her chin, “See the fat guy over there?”

He looked and sure enough, hovering on the periphery of the buffet table was a man so large in circumference that it would not have been wrong to classify him an orb. She made a face and he realised she got dimples when she pursed her lips like that, “Said his hands were full and asked if he could take a couple of grapes with his teeth.”

His eyebrows rose and he felt suddenly inflamed by a desire to protect her, “What did you say?”

“Nothing. It’s not obvious but I have security. They escorted him away and had a gentle word.”

He smiled and gave her the thumbs-up, “Nice.”

Naked lady on the buffet table aside, it was a fantastic party. He met interesting people who seemed genuinely interested in his work and so it was pretty late when he finally stepped back out into the front room. He was disappointed to find that she was no longer reclining amidst the seriously depleted food stockpiles. After a moment’s hesitation he told himself it was best to leave. Just then a delicate set of fingers ran along his shoulder and he turned to meet those eyes he had spent so much time focusing on, “Hey! I didn’t recognize you with your fruits off.”

She smiled, “You want to go get coffee or something?”

“Really? Me? I’m sure you could have your pick.”

“I could and I did.”

“What more is left to be said. Coffee it shall be. Though I have to warn you, I have no experience with dating women I’ve already seen naked.”

She laughed a happy laugh and slipped her arm into his, “Half an hour before I was to go on, I nearly backed out. I’m so glad I didn’t.”

“If I maintained a journal, or a ‘blog’…this would so go down as the day I never want to forget.”

That’s when she kissed him. On the cheek but it would be less than an hour before her lips relocated and her tongue discovered it had an affinity for his.

He fell asleep wondering what he had done to deserve this. Morpheus took him before he alit on anything resembling an answer.

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