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You Should Be An Actor

Posted on April 11, 2007
Filed Under The Stories |

“That’s what I said to him. Not because I was trying to get into his pants. I’m not wired that way. Sometimes I wish I was because it would seem like I would know what to do with all the parts, you know? To think about it, trying to make a connection with another person you have very little in common with (physically) is just as strange as trying to make a connection with someone who is mentally incompatible.”

“That said I like women’s breasts way too much to consider an alternate sexual lifestyle.”

“But enough about me. I told him he should be an actor because of how little he had to say for me to understand what he was feeling. It’s difficult really to ever understand where a person truly is in their head and in their lives. I could send out a text message to a potential work associate and have that person snap at me. Now I could debate whether my textmanship had left something to be desired. I could call the other person a cunt, see how that’s gender-agnostic? I could assume that things are probably not going as planned which is why the response to my inoffensive message was to get offended. That’s the fourth dimension right there. People’s feelings. Forget 3D and fucking tacky animation coming at you because you put on funny glasses. A truly immersive experience can only be had when the entertainment unit is plugged into the brain. Either that or you have to switch off a sense or two to truly enjoy what you’re consuming. Like a good song. You’re actually just hearing but a good song or more correctly, the right song for the right mood can make you feel a heightened sense of whatever you’re feeling. Maybe that’s why drugs are the greatest entertainment centre.”

“There’s nothing like fucking while high. Or playing video games. Or watching a trippy movie or listening to trippy music. A fucking train ride can blow you mind when you’re high. Or a Ferris wheel ride. Oh fuck, I’m rambling again and this coffee is getting cold.”

“So yeah, I told him he should be an actor because of how easy it was to understand what he was saying from his expressions and body language. Of course you don’t want to hang something like that out there without backing it up but I really didn’t have anything else to say.”

Everybody in the restaurant seemed to be listening to the guy in the ill-fitting suit and the jerky movements. He wasn’t even talking into a Bluetooth headset. He had his cellphone to his ear the whole time and he just kept going. A couple of the patrons wondered whether he even had anyone on the other side. Not that it mattered. Not that anyone cared. But it was ruining their appetites, conversations were coming to a standstill and it was cramping the style of a couple of people who were trying to use lunch to get laid.

“Y’know what the guy says to me? He says, ‘I don’t like the audition process.’ Can you fuckin’ believe that? In this town? Who the fuck does he think he is? I mean come on, the fuckin’ Queen of Sheba would probably have to audition to play the fuckin’ Queen of Sheba. I mean what if her nose was all wrong for camera right? You’re not going to tell the Queen of Sheba to go see a plastic surgeon for Christ’s sake, you’re gonna pass on her and get the next girl who resembles her, has a nice rack and a nose that doesn’t look like it could take the king’s eye out during the sex, sorry, ‘lovemaking’ scene.”

“Kids these days…I’m telling ya, no respect. One minute it’s take the camera off the tripod, next minute it’s take the film outta the picture, all this digital shit…if I wanted to watch people looking like crap I’d walk out on the street, you know what I’m saying? I go to the movies to look at the stars, dream of being one or at least meeting one, you know? I got the porn for my spank bank and the wife who’d love nothing better to skip the meal for dessert and skip the sex for sleep. Who needs that from our movies?”

“So anyway, enough about me, what’s happening with you?”

The collective breathed a sigh and normal conversation resumed. Cutlery clinked against china and the ones trying to score turned on the charm, compliments and touching at the least excuse. Regular service had been resumed after a brief interruption by a loudmouth with a flexible talk plan.

Not too long after, a couple paid their bill and on their way to the door, the woman paused and on impulse him on the sleeve. When she had his attention, she asked, “Was he cute?”

A frown furrowed his brow and his tiny ferret-like eyes squinted at her while the chewing continued, “Huh?”

“The guy you said should become an actor. Was he cute?”

The transformation was an impressive thing to see. His face went red, his eyes threatened to bug out of his head and roll across the carpet, “What the fuck! That was a private conversation lady. Don’t you have any manners? Get out of here!”

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